Friendships you never thought would go through it’s rough patches, or even feel like it’s over hurts the most especially when they don’t want to talk about it. Leaving it unresolved, gaining control over when they want to address it. Controlling the friendship as a whole. I feel empty
It’s so interesting to look back, and see how you’ve changed over time. I am always dreading the belief that I have been wasting my time, and how it’s disappointing that I’ve stayed the same throughout the years, but I just remembered how I grew to enjoy courses in university where there were often group discussions. I grew to enjoy intimate settings where I would be comfortable to express myself, and my ideas, and talk to my peers, and my professors. I always strongly identified with being an introvert, and lacking social skills, and being very awkward, but now I realized how that has changed.
I would still consider myself as an introvert, but I no longer have the fear of being in a place where I am expected to be heard.
I always write in my journal about my thoughts, and motivational things to hopefully get me out of the rut I am always in. My internal dialogue is always very negative, so I think it’ll be healthy to get into the habit of writing things in my journal that will push me to make meaningful changes in my life. (but typing is faster lol)
But now that I think about it, it actually really sucks that sometimes the things we need to do to find purpose in this life are not realistic. We cannot comfortably live in a way that allows us to find our own happiness when we live in a world where our basic needs cannot be met. How can you balance living to survive, and living by your own terms? It’s actually very awful, and very scary.
We have to find small ways to find happiness, while the majority of our day is spent in absolute dread. Things are easier said than done.
I think I need to stop spending so much time on social media because it’s making me envious of the lives that others live, and makes me think that those lives are ‘normal’ and achievable. It’s making me prioritize owning materialistic things, and teaching me to value the wrong things in life.
Of course it is nice to be able to afford rent, and afford constantly treating yourself to good meals, clothes, jewelry etc. but the idea that it is the bare minimum, and necessary to be happy is not okay. It’s of course easier said than done to be financially independent, and owning luxury items should not be my definition of happiness, and I should not work towards a life where I HAVE to have these things.
It is making me envious and unhappy with my life, and I feel like I am being ungrateful for what I have. It is mentally feeding me the wrong things, and warping my views so I have to learn to limit my time on these apps, and remain offline.
so i started using tumblr again lol…. looking at my older posts from years ago, it’s funny to see how i was feeling back then. things don’t really change. it’s actually really upsetting to see how much time has gone by and i still haven’t been able to get some improvement and growth. it’s disappointing, and scary - how long one can remain stagnant?
i feel like there’s something wrong with me. it’s like i have this brain and age throughout the last few years, but i’m still unable to learn, and be brave, and do something that will bring real change to my life. why is being sad, and depressed so comfortable?
i am taking note of all the lessons that i need to learn, but can never really apply that knowledge. one thing i really need to do is to stop relying on others to push me to do something or help me. you only have yourself.
